On October 19, 1990, Barbara Baillie was killed by her husband of 25 years in Spryfield, Nova Scotia. After 30 years without their loving and caring mother, her five children continue to miss and remember Barbara.
However, over the past five years, Barbara has been honoured differently thanks to the Baillie’s starting the Barb’s Bench Project.
The first bench was placed in Long Lake Provincial Park in Spryfield, NS in 2015. Now there are four purple Barb’s Benches in Nova Scotia, you can see their locations here.
Each of Barb’s Benches features a plaque to honour Barbara Baillie. A toll-free number for those who are experiencing domestic violence to get help is also on the plaque.
Every year, the Remember Me Walk takes place to honour women who have died at the hands of their intimate partners. Barb’s Bench in Shubie Park is the usual destination, however this year the Remember Me Walk is virtual and going until November 20th. Find out more info here.
Denenia, Craig, Chad and David, four of Barbara’s five children, gave us some insight on how grieving for their mother has evolved over 30 years and how Barb’s Bench has affected them, their family and community.
Denenia, Craig, Chad and David expressed that October is a hard month for them and that this year is especially difficult because it marks 30 years since their mother’s passing.
“The grieving process over the years has been extremely difficult evolving from feelings of total shock, as though living a nightmare in the first few years. Then to hopeless despair, heartbreak and devastating sadness leading into feelings of hope and letting go of some of the sadness replacing with feelings gratitude and peace.” Shares Denenia.
Denenia continues, “The heartbreak and sadness will always be a part of my life but over the years it has gotten easier to accept her death. When I say gratitude I mean grateful that I got the opportunity to experience the relationship I did have with my mom even though it was short, as I was only 23 at her time of death, and in that short time I learned many things from my mom, though my heart will always have a void that will never be filled and I will forever be sad.”
“This time of year is hard on me, it’s a very big deal for the family. Over the years it has changed, some years we’d all get together, and some years we wouldn’t.” Says Craig about how the family has grieved Barbara.
For Craig his personal experience grieving over the years has changed. “There’s highs and lows and sometimes just the smallest thing can trigger me and sometimes they don’t.”
“I was 15 when it happened,” says Chad when asked about how 30 years has changed how he grieves for his mother. “It hasn’t changed, it’s always there. But I’m a lot more mature now and I understand a lot more now than I did then.”
Chad also shares about triggers relating to the loss of his mother: “I get triggered when I see an old car that looks like what my father used to drive. A couple weeks ago I saw him in traffic a couple cars ahead of me and that really triggered me. But triggers happen all the time, different things, there’s certain things that always bring it back.”
How Barb’s Bench Has Affected The Baillie Family
“Starting the Barbs Bench program has given me an absolute feeling of contentment.” Denenia shares, “It started as just wanting a memorial bench in honour of my mom to give her voice sharing her story through these benches in hopes of helping others in dire need to escape their abusers.
“The Benches have helped my family and I tremendously, they give us feelings of hope that through our mom and our story she/we can help others not become a victim. I personally have found that since we started the Barbs Bench program it’s helped me accept her death and I now feel that she did not die in vain and that out of such a negative the positive has been these benches and Silent Witness Nova Scotia for helping to bring awareness to domestic violence.”
Craig shares how Barb’s Bench changed how he remembers his mother, “I go down to my mom’s bench at Long Lake and I sit and talk to her. I bring her a tea. My friends see me sitting there and honk as they drive by or come sit with me.”
“We talk, and share memories, like how people usually would remember people, but now (with Barb’s Bench) we’re sharing knowledge. And the more knowledge people have about domestic violence the better it is. What happened to us shouldn’t happen to anybody.” Shares Craig when asked about how the Barb’s Bench Project has affected him and his family.
“I actually absolutely love barbs bench, it’s a great idea.” Says David. “Honestly Brendan Maguire our MLA went above and beyond helping us make it all happen in the beginning.”
“As far as Barb’s Bench affecting me, I got to Spryfield on a regular basis, and chill for 15 minutes and just think while sitting on the bench. It’s very relaxing.” Says David about how the benches affect his life.
David goes on to say, “There’s one in Shubie park, me and the family have a little seat and just chill out there remembering things and having a nice little chat. It does have an affect on all of us.”
“When I see the benches I always say ‘Hi Mom’.” Says Chad when sharing about how Barb’s Benches have affected his daily life. “We’re just trying to bring awareness and keep her name alive. Not just for us but for all. No one deserves to die this way.”
Hopes for the Future of Barb’s Bench
“We want there to be more benches. There’s another one being placed for Paula Gallant soon here in Nova Scotia, and three going up in Muskoka, Ontario. We see that Australia is putting up purple benches also, they got the idea from us, that’s great.” Says Craig when asked about what he sees for Barb’s Benches in the future. “They should be all across the country.”
“I’d love to see them all over the place. Province wide, country wide, world wide, domestic violence it’s everywhere. It’s everywhere. We’d love to find more support and funding to get more benches, because they stand out, for sure.” Says Chad. “Seeing Barb’s bench spread to Australia it’s really heart warming. To think a flea-sized family would make such a difference. To see Mom’s name in another country, it means a lot to me.”
“I think the benches are creating awareness. I would like to see them more in downtown where they would be sat on by thousands of people. Maybe even at a bus stop.” Says David when asked about how far Barb’s Benches have come and what more he would like to see happen. “The more communities that have of these benches, the better it’s going to be. Right now there’s too much distance between them, I’d like to see them in every community.”
The Baillie’s Message to Anyone Considering Placing a Purple Barb’s Bench
“I would recommend to any family that has lost a loved one due to domestic violence to place a Barbs Bench to honour them as they give a true feeling of contentment.” Says Denenia, when asked what she would tell another family if they were considering placing a bench to honour their loved one.
Denenia continues, “In saying contentment I mean that it gives us a place to go sit and reminisce, a place to go where we feel connected to our mom, a place where people can go and sit and know that these benches carry our loved ones name to be said out loud and never be forgotten.”
“I would say go for it. I know each bench says our Mother’s name because we started it, but it’s for every woman. It’s a powerful feeling to feel that connection. It’s a spot to go and reminisce and think of the future. ” Says Chad, to any family who is considering placing a bench in their community.
“Our MLA helped us majorly, he does for a lot of the community and he did a lot for us. It all starts with your local MLA.” adds Chad.
“You’ll have a place to go to.” Says Craig. “I go down to a bench and visit, have a chat, have a coffee. I bring a tea for Mom and pour some out on the ground.”
“I think obviously any family would want to have one, I would strongly urge them to place a Bench. It makes me feel better just that my mother’s name is out there. It’s a good feeling.” Says David. “The same as any lady, if their name is on there, it will have the same feeling. Their name will have a meaning.”
“These benches bring awareness to domestic violence one bench at a time with info on each one on who to call for help , these benches have given our family a true feeling of hope that our mom is flying high and proud of her/our accomplishment and is humbled” Says Denenia.
Barb’s Benches Reach Ontario
On May 15, 2006, Natalie Novak tragically lost her life to intimate partner violence. Her parents, Dawn and Ed Novak created The Natalie Novak Fund to bring light to the circumstances that led to her death.
Dawn and Ed are placing three Barb’s Benches in Bracebridge, Ontario.
“The Barb Baillie Purple Bench Project is indeed moving well in Muskoka.” Says Dawn. “The township of Bracebridge was quick to embrace this idea and has partnered with the Natalie Novak Fund for the Education and Prevention of Relationship Violence to bring three purple benches for installation and dedication to Bracebridge, in spring 2021. The benches are currently stored and await their new home sites, throughout the community.
“The benches will commemorate three local women whose lives were taken in brutal acts of domestic homicide.Wendy Boland age 64, Lindsay Wilson age 26, and Natalie Novak age 20. I believe these benches will help our community honour the memory of these treasured women and keep them with us in a special way.
“l hope bringing Barb’s benches into Ontario will help expand the dream of the Baillie family. The dream of purple benches spreading throughout Canada wherever domestic violence steals a woman or child’s life from a community is a powerful, visual symbol.
“The loss of each and every woman and child to domestic homicide is a loss to our communities. What if the life of each and every woman and child who falls victim to domestic homicide is remembered with a Barb Baillie purple bench. Would Canada see the problem more clearly.”
For more information about Barb’s Benches in Bracebridge and about the Natalie Novak Fund, please visit NatalieNovakFund.com.
Help place more Barb’s Benches
To raise awareness, and funds, to place more purple Barb’s Benches in communities in Nova Scotia, join us on our virtual Remember Me Walk. For more information visit our Facebook Event page.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, there is help available.
Call the numbers below, and also consider downloading the myPlan app.
Emergency: 911
Non-emergency: (902)490-5020
Halifax Regional Police Victim Services: (902)490-5300
Bryony House Crisis Line: (902)422-7650
Legal Aid Family Law: (902)480-3450 or (902)420-2390
Transition House NS: 1 855 225 0220